


Disassociation

by Island_in_the_Shadows



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bittersweet Reunion, Boys In Love, Depression, Disassociation, Established Relationship, Hurts So Good, I'm Sorry, I'm a Tragedy Whore, I'm really sorry, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Sad, Sad Ending, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 06:04:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14970659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Island_in_the_Shadows/pseuds/Island_in_the_Shadows
Summary: Steve suffers through trauma after everything that happened in Siberia. He wonders if anyone can see his cries for help. But he has to soldier on despite having broken Tony's heart...and his own.





	Disassociation

**Author's Note:**

> Really sad. So I apologize in advance for any tears. 
> 
> Written to Sia's I'm In Here (Acoustic Version)
> 
> Please note that this was written with my limited understanding of disassociation due to trauma. So please feel free to educate me if I've gotten anything wrong. Not my intention to make anyone feel extremely uncomfortable beyond basic feels.

_I’m in here_

_A prisoner of history_

_Can anybody help?_

Once out of the ice, Steve Rogers retreated into himself. It was easier to spare the pain if the vulnerable side of him was locked away. The key had been left in a maze of memories. The soldier in him, Cap, was now in control. He kept his emotions at bay as best he could. And for a while, it worked. No one ever saw the part of him that screamed to be freed. And then… _he_ happened. Someone saw him – Cap was now at ease and Steve felt free, albeit temporarily. The genius with the sarcastic mouth and gleaming brown eyes wormed himself in and figured Steve out like one of his machines. It took longer for Steve to understand his genius in return but, after tentative steps, he had everything. Even though they fought, even though things were _never_ perfect, he came home to Tony and vice versa. They were home for each other—it was the only time that Steve was actually Steve. But honeymoon periods never last.

Bucky. Alive. Those words were enough to unearth pain he had thought long forgotten. And Cap took it over. He used the part of Steve needed to complete his mission. Because Bucky was a missing part of the ashen cemetery Steve kept in his head. But this came at a cost. And no matter how much Steve screamed for it all to stop, Cap kept going. Steve was ignored and buried again in a prison of his own making. How that inner part of him roared in Siberia! It was an almost deafening sound, but Cap proceeded, relentless in his mission. Cap had chosen Bucky. But Steve mourned for Tony.

 

_I’m in here_

_I’m calling out but you can’t hear_

_Can anybody help?_

 

Wakanda was a beautiful country. That was one of the few things that the two sides of his personality agreed upon anymore. Not that his vulnerable side had made much of an appearance since he dropped the shield at Tony’s rage. Bucky was safe in cryogenic sleep. The rest of the team, those that had followed Steve, were soon freed under, shall we say, interesting circumstances. He was never alone—it was impossible for him to be—but Steve felt lonely. Steve missed the man whose heart he’d broken. He waited for the call. Cap had sent Tony that phone for other reasons, but Steve had sent it in longing. It hardly mattered anymore as he was always lost in the ever caliginous depths of his mind. He cried for his other half—pleaded for the shorter man to find him, to hear him, but it was to no avail.

Before Ultron, before the arguments, before Bucky…Steve and Tony had been happy despite the circumstances. The two men, so hard and intimidating in public, were the gentlest creatures when alone together. If they weren’t bickering, that was. The genius soothed the scars in Steve’s soul like a mother’s lullaby chased nightmares away. Meanwhile, Steve had the incredible (and before unheard of) power of calming Tony down. In the blond’s arms, Tony melted away to a plane of safe relaxation. He would be quiet, sober, and mercilessly devoid of thought when Steve held him. Steve loved holding him because it brought him peace (“Peace in a lifetime of war,” Sam had once joked while referencing something he didn’t know). But now that was all gone. He had to live with the consequences of his decisions.

Cap now dominated the waking world. The sweetness and vulnerability were all but gone and now he did what he had to do. He was a weapon of justice, whatever that word meant any more. And he kept Steve prisoner. It didn’t matter if he even wanted to let Steve out because Tony held the key and he doubted that that key would be returned any time soon.

Steve incessantly walked through the dank mental dungeon in which he found himself. He had tried to find a way out many a time but, just when he thought he saw the light, it was a dead end or a ruse of some sort. And little by little, he reverted. The enclosure stripped away the serum. Now, he was all but back in Brooklyn except he didn’t have Bucky to keep him company or a war to distract him. Cap had it all now and Steve had nothing more to do but sit in a corner and cry out to see if someone heard him. If someone ever realized that he was lost beyond reason.

It was Nat who noticed him. Of course it was. Since they had started working together, Widow was one of his very best friends and she would always use her training to decipher what was the matter with him. But even though she saw Steve, she didn’t voice her concern. Maybe it was because she knew that any words that she said would only make things worse. Because she knew that the cause of this disassociation was the line between duty and personal life. As much as she realized that reconciliation was necessary, it was not the time or place to push these issues. It hurt her to ignore Steve, but duty was paramount to everything in these times.

 

_I am fearing it all_

_Stuck inside these walls_

_Tell me there is hope for me_

 

Duty called as the world got darker around them. They had new allies and a world to protect no matter how bizarre things had gotten around them. He had Bucky back at his side, two men out of time ready to fight for their home from aliens…just another Sunday. Steve worked with Cap on this, there was no reason for them to disagree when the few loved ones they had left were all on the line.

It was heartbreaking to see Tony again. He wasn’t as they had remembered and Cap didn’t look like Tony had remembered. He looked rougher, more focused, and it definitely seemed like the sweetness that had once been reserved for Tony had been snuffed out. Just as well, Tony thought, part of me died along with it.

Of course Steve hadn’t disappeared. He was still in the back burner. And the sight of Tony made him scream louder… _can NO ONE hear me?_ But this wasn’t the time as it hadn’t been the time before. Unbeknownst to all of them there was a clock ticking down. Its sands were dangerously running out and there was nothing either of them could do to stop it.

 

Thanos was a formidable fiend and, despite their best efforts, the team suffered losses. But there was one loss that was felt deeper and sharper than any of the others. One that had been seen out of the corner of eyes and produced screams into the heavens—if they even existed. No one had expected it. Steve expected it least of all, considering he had trusted that Cap was in complete control of their abilities. Alas, the fallen super soldier finally let his vulnerability roam in their final moments of consciousness.

The Iron Man armor grabbed him as if he was lighter than air. And despite the chaos that was ensuing all around them, they found a moment to themselves. Steve was finally free again. He winced in pain, remembering for once that Cap wasn’t invincible no matter how much he wanted to believe it. And despite their complete separation, Tony still cared about him. So when he found a corner where they could both speak, Tony lowered his face plate and Steve was relieved to be able to see those bright brown eyes one more time.

“Hang in there, Capsicle. We’re gonna get this all patched up. Just a scratch.”

Steve’s chest said otherwise, but he didn’t want to argue. He used what little strength he had left to pull the love of his life to him for one last kiss.

“I never stopped loving you, Tony. I’m sorry.”

Ironclad arms held him and yet he had never felt more at home. Tony saw him again, finally. And that was all he had ever wanted since that terrible day in Russia. The last time he had taken a big sleep, it had been an eternity of cold. This time, he held onto the one person who had ever given him peace…it was warm…he loved him…he was tired…

_I’m in here_

_Can anybody see me?_

_Can anybody help?_


End file.
